THE ALTERNATIVE HISTORY OF SKA

By Sir James Van Rickenreilly

Ska originated in Gillingham sometime in the early fifties. Following a bizarre chemical accident at a swede bottling plant a local band of nose flautists by the name of Horatio Hornblower and The Klaxon Call became disorientated and found themselves in Jamaica . They settled there for fifteen nights and immersed themselves totally in the culture. They learned to dance, to sing and to drive a multi coloured bus with the horn glued down. And so it was that Hooter returned to Blighty as Hooter. Their first single I'm Blowing This For You on Fut Fut Records was a hit with the young farmers of Gillingham and provided the blueprint for countless impersonators.

The band recorded one album, Blow Me, and then disbanded. Lead singer Ned Ewell was arrested for tramp fondling, bassist Cole Scuttle now fronts cult death metal country act Dust Bowl Slaughter. Drummer Sticky Toffee Pudding lost all his limbs and most of his hair in a freak camping accident. He continues to play in various bands but says modern musical tastes mean he now relies more heavily on drum machines. Guitarist Yan Yeungerling returned to the bottling plant and is now a qualified cranberry bouncer.

Hooter's influence on the whole ska scene is immeasurable. P60's Allie McCoist has been quoted as saying "Ned and the boys scared me as a kid. I used to hide under the blanket until their album finished. My older brother was a big fan. He later swapped their record for a torch. I stole a car and left home to start P45 a proto reggae band that later became P60. I don't listen to Hooter anymore". Coventry 's Barry Hall agrees: "We'd all heard of Hooter, sure. We were scared of them as kids. My older brother swapped his torch for their first album. He played it every night after school. I know every word of Noses Run In Our Family. It was a big influence on me". Hall met Jerry Dambuster at the launderette one afternoon and found they had a mutual respect for non biologicals and the Gillingham ska scene. " Jerry got me into Brian Lee and The Dragonslayers and I introduced him to New Lenor we never looked back after that".

As a new generation embrace ska through the work of Kylie and Errol Graham the debt owed to bands like Hooter is colossal. Even now their songs appear on commercials for products as diverse as nasal sprays (Blow It), decongestants (Get It Off Your Chest), and Vicks (Rub It In). I guess the last word should come from Hooter themselves. Ned Ewell: "Only the other day I was having a chat with my proctologist. Before long he was humming the chorus to What's Like A Sneeze? See even arse doctors dig Hooter".